If Parisian’s habits are any clue to those of the hinterland, then the French have an uncommon appetitte for fast food “nouveautes”. Almost every franchise chain, native and foriegn, seems to trot out some unprecedented flavor combination once, if not twice, a month. The results range from enticing, to moderately successful, to downright abominable.

The French fervor for fast-food innovation seems to embody a sort of inverse calculation of menu predictability. Fast-food in America – and, I used to think, globally – represents, with it steadfast, franchise-specific offerings and gnomic value-meals, a common denominator of “comfort”, insofar as you always know what to expect. In France, this sort of unwavering approach to la carte is already fulfilled by what has often been satirized as the “state mandated” menu found in the majority of its bistros and brasseries – entrecote, confit de canard, blanquette de veau, etc. Perhaps because French cuisine is so codified and readily available – as fast-food is in the States – the French turn to the chains with, or rather the fast-fooders try to turn the French towards them for, an expectation of sub-par variety.

To list the myriad “limited time only” dishes that have been sent out of the fast-fooder labs in my months here would test any reader’s patience, but I will offer some examples. McDonald’s has been perhaps the most successful, as most of their offerings are not, at first glance, revolting (compare to Quick). They are constantly spinning their basic chicken and beef sandwiches, such that I have seen steak-au-poivre flavored, “Mexi”-flavored, and double-trouble bacon-cheese burgers, as well as Italian-themed “Chicken Dons” or Indian-inflected “Tandoori” McChickens. The latest is the “Chicken Mythic”, whose ads contain iconographic American silhouettes (quarterbacks and cowboys), and which is topped by an inscrutable “Yankee Sauce” that, so far as I can tell, is little more than curdled mayo. Although Quick has had a couple of winners – their deep-fried yellow and red bell pepper Sunny Rings last summer come to mind – more often than not their generally lower-quality fare is exacerbated by monstrosities that would seem to satirize American eating habits were they not actually on the menu. Their latest affront is the “Crousti Cheese”; depending on your perspective it is either a mucous mockery of that eastern european delight, the fried cheese sandwich (nothing tops Czech beer better at 4am), or a steroidal perversion of the mozzarella stick. Either way, I ain’t having it.

This post has been wholly inspired by Pizza Hut’s latest assault on taste. Pizza Hut’s ads and specials are some of the most unappetizing I have encountered thus far. The latest batch isn’t as quite as offensive as their previous, a tartiflette presented in artery-hardening macro, but they are laughable, insofar as they are simply really bad pizza ideas packaged as “ethnic interpretations”. Never mind that most of the “cultures” or “cuisines” already have their own varieties of flat-breads with toppings. Never mind that at all. Obviously a “mexican” pizza must have…corn?

I honestly don’t know if such miscarriages are simply the deranged products of the French fast food industry in particular, or if the reductive presentations of “ethnic” point to a more general, cultural provincialism on the part of the French. I certainly hope it’s the former.

UPDATE: At dinner this evening I was showing my blog to a friend of Mathilde’s and mine, Maxime, who is doing his thesis on office culture of the advertising and marketing business. He told me that the director of marketing for McDonald’s in France told him that they offer a new “special” every 6 weeks in order to drive store traffic. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.